Resolute!

I hesitate. I'm very apprehensive. I look around me. I look over my shoulder to make sure there is no one or nothing that is following me. I don't want to go on alone, but I have no choice. It is my war, my territory I have to save. Looking back I see the golden sun that tempted me to embark this journey. 26 years now. I wait. Still. Patiently. Breathing slowly now. Anxious, my palms start to sweat. I wipe them dry on my clothes. I wait.

Time! I think of it. 26 years! I have seen time, felt it too. It is a delicate thing, this time. Always slips away when you try to hold it. Moments in time, I try and recollect, are so faded now that it feels like a dream. Moments in time, I wonder. Moments. Small moments of joy, of sadness.

A lot has happened these 12 months. Lot of emotions. Lot more is the feeling of numbness. I wait. I get more anxious now, to see how it starts. I always wait, when this time comes. I stand there, with palms sweating, recollecting the past and sketching the future.

Slowly I see it approach. Mixed feelings rise within me. How am I supposed to react? Should I jump up and down with joy? Or should I be cautious? Will this approach make me sad, happy or more numb, I do not know. But what I know is that I have to steady myself. To prove that I am made of different steel, I would have to reiterate the feelings of success, happiness and confidence.

It approaches rapidly now. A sense of fear engulfs me. What if everything changes? Will I be able to deal with it? Taking a deep breath I step out of my hiding. I decide to surrender. What ever has to be done will be done. I am more confident now that my plan will work. As it approaches I take one last look back. Back into my past. Back into my acomplishments. Back into the heartbreaks. Sigh! I feel sad, I feel confused. But somehow I feel complete. I know that what ever choices I have made are responsible for where I am now. And I am happy. Surprisingly, I am happy.

I look now into the future. I see the dreams that are very close now. I see new love. I see new beginnings. I also see the same happy self I see now. I feel free now. I feel the cool wind in my hair. A feeling of exhileration seeps into my body. I smile. All the anxiousness now gone, makes me feel new. A new me is born. The war is over, I have secured my territory.

The war, is my life. The territory, my mind. I know now, all I need is my soul. A temple I have to take care of. With my smile widening I welcome the new year, a new me and a new beginning.

What can I say...

What is it about life? We smile when we don't want to. We answer questions even when our lips barely want to move. We look excited when our insides scream for some quiet. I hardly know what life wants out of me?

I am not expecting life to give me anymore than it has given me. A caring family, lovable friends, and an intelligent mind. But there is a void inside my soul, which I can't quite understand.

Man, they say, is a species that has always wanted more than he has. There is an old story that says that, when God asked man what he wanted, he said he wanted the sight of an eagle, the agility of a leopard, the strength of a lion, and the wise mind of an owl. So be it, God had said. But the animals knew what man actually acquired - the virtue of Greed!

Why am I telling you this? Well, I feel the same want. Though its not materialistic, a want is a want, none the less. I want to know what it will take to fill the void inside my soul. I want to know where I am headed. I want to know if miracle do happen. I want to be freed from all evil in mind and soul. I want to be able to heal people.

The want of a man or a woman is indescribable. It starts from infancy and continues till death. "I want...." is a powerful term. It can make or break a person. How bad is your want for love? Or how much are you willing to give for something you can't have? Some things are better left unsaid.

So what is life then? A winding journey of want? Or a blissful path of contentment? It scares me to see that people sometimes want something that is so evil that it makes my heart bleed. I see with solemn eyes, not comprehending the need for the things they do.

Next time you feel like doing something you don't want to, please stop and think why you are doing what you are doing. It helps us to understand that life is not about a pace in which it runs, but it is made up of intricately woven emotions that are sometimes difficult to understand. But if we hang in there long enough, not only do we understand its meandering ways, but we also find our strength...strength of our spirit!