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Love Bi Polar

I am in love. In love with a boy who looks like an angel. A boy for whom I waited so long to find. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry. He makes me feel like a woman, he makes me feel like a stranger. He says he loves me, and then he says that he wants to be free. He says he wants to be with me every moment, and he stays away when he wants to.

My heart heaves and cries for long hours in the nights. It feels like my heart has been torn out. I feel so alone though he is so near. He makes me want to be the best I could ever be, but he also makes me green with envy. The feelings I have for him are so strong, but sometimes I feel they are all wrong. I wait all day long just to hear his voice, but the call never comes. We fight like we are a perfect miss match, but when I see him smile I don't remember anything else.

It is strange to feel such complicated feelings all for one person. Is he a devil disguised as an angel? Or an angel forced to be evil? He tortures me so much with his words. He makes me want to die and get away from all things nice. But when I hear his loving voice, I feel like I have been brought back from the dead. I don't want to feel so strongly for this boy who tortures me so, but I have never been in love like this.

He doesnt seem to see the love I have for him. Maybe he knows how I feel but cannot be as loving. Maybe he loves me in his own way. But if he does love me, why does it hurt so much? All I want is for him to hold me close till I feel comforted. For him to tell me what he really feels about me. For him to tell me his dreams. For him to look into my eyes and tell me that I make him happy. How hard is it for him to love me?

He says he does, so he must be in love with me. But sometimes he says that people can fake a whole relationship! It scares me because I too am a surviver of a broken heart, and the pain of another is going to be greater. Then what do I do with this boy? I love him very much, but he takes me for granted.

He suddenly shows that he loves me, but he does not ask how my day was. He does not let me finish my sentences. When I try to tell him how painful it is when he treats me this way, this boy does not seem to understand. Yet I go on loving him. The pain keeps growing in my heart. All I want from him is for him to love me back, like I was the only thing that ever mattered to him. I am never his priority. I come second. But he says he wants to grow old with me? Can I make him see that I need love too? That I cannot keep giving all the time? That I too need to be taken care off? That I too need the attention?

Maybe I do not understand this love so bi polar. Maybe this love too will end dustily on a shelf one day. But this boy, with the soft brown eyes and a charming smile, will always be a part of me, a part of my life.
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Comments

Raghav said…
Hmmm! Looked more like you just had to jot your feelings
February 25, 2010 at 1:21 AM
Anonymous said…
Though it looked like sort of a scribble but thoroughly enjoyed the feelings present in those words...
Take care :)
April 30, 2010 at 2:33 PM
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